Ambrosia of the Phoenix
Arsenik of the Hulder
Wildfire of the Valkyrie
Setting: A log cabin with a roaring fire and two couches facing each other.
Arsenik: Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. Today, we have with us here two members from Kaitlyn in Chinaland.
Ambrosia: Thank you very much for joining us, Sir Arsenik.
Arsenik: Not at all. It’s my pleasure.
Wildfire: It’s bad enough you’re here, Ambrosia. But you had to invite him, too?
Arsenik: Your warm welcome is much appreciated, Valkyrie.
Wildfire: Oh, shut up.
Ambrosia: Ah, Chinaland…it sounds like a very interesting place. I’ve never been there before.
Arsenik: Let’s learn more about it.
Ambrosia: Yes. Please welcome Lady Kaitlyn and Sir Gao.
Kaitlyn: I think you meant Lady Gao there.
Kaitlyn: Oh, don’t worry about him. He doesn’t know archaic English words, so he has no idea what we’re talking about. Don’t you, Gao?
Wildfire: Does he have any clue what we’re saying?
Arsenik: Miss Kaitlyn said he was unfamiliar with archaic words. Your language is decidedly…common.
Wildfire: Well then, you might as well shut up because he’s never going to know what’s coming out of your mouth.
Arsenik: You reward honesty with your temper. Truly, I meant no offense.
Ambrosia: Ah, so, then…I am not mistaken?
Wildfire: About what? Bringing Arsenik along for the ride?
Ambrosia: In addressing our guest as Sir Gao.
Wildfire: Ahaha! Hey, Gao. She’s asking if you’re a man or a woman. Answer that.
Ambrosia: Y-You’re completely misrepresenting my question!
Gao: Wǒ shì nánrén.
Kaitlyn: He’s being difficult. He’s a man. He just thinks you’re all weird.
Gao: I didn’t say that.
Kaitlyn: I know you, Gao. You’re giving them the same look that you once gave me when we first met.
Ambrosia: Tell us about your first meeting. It sounds like a lovely experience.
Wildfire: With him thinking she’s weird? That’s your definition of lovely?
Arsenik: I believe Miss Ambrosia’s referring to the fact that it led to their current relationship. You’re quite the charming couple, aren’t you?
Gao: We are not a couple.
Kaitlyn: Shut up, Gao. He always does this. Okay, I met him the first day of school in China. And then he had to be all stupid and Chinese and teaching me stuff, that part of it was horrible but I started to deal with it. And he wasn’t all that bad after that.
Gao: You need me to teach you things.
Kaitlyn: For now. So, I guess I’ll keep you around.
Arsenik: Oh? So, when did the two of you entertain a courtship? Ah, pardon me. I believe that isn’t the term you mainlanders use. When did the two of you start going out? Unofficially. I believe that’s the more accurate term.
Wildfire: I think it’d be more accurate to say, “When did you guys get it on?”
Arsenik: Now, you’re just being crass.
Wildfire: And you’re being all snooty-tooty as usual.
Ambrosia: I feel like this interview’s being derailed a little bit. I suppose they’re…curious about your opinions on one another.
Gao: Court… ship? Chuán? We didn’t get on a ship?
Kaitlyn: Bwhahahaahaha! Get it on? Gao?!! You’ve got to be kidding me, right? Gao doesn’t ‘get it on.’ I don’t think he understands what that means.
Wildfire: I don’t think Ambrosia even understands what that means. She’s sitting there smiling all cluelessly.
Ambrosia: I’m just confused by how we came upon this subject.
Arsenik: That may be my fault. They seemed so close that it seemed natural to assume they held affection for one another.
Wildfire: This guy does not know how to talk like a normal person. Okay, so what’s your type of guy, Kaitlyn?
Arsenik: You just completely ignored him.
Wildfire: Half the time, I don’t even know if he gets what I’m saying.
Kaitlyn: He’s from China. It may be a handicap, but he’s learning. If you speak slowly, he’ll understand eventually.
Gao: … I understand.
Kaitlyn: Sure you do, Gao. Anyway, as for my perfect guy. Tall, rich, handsome, not-Gao? Does that sound about right?
Kaitlyn: Oh come on, Gao. You have your own certain charm. Not that I can’t resist it or anything, but it’s there.
Wildfire: Gao, give me your best pick-up line.
Arsenik: Valkyrie, your intentions are clearly unkind. You should know better than to use a word like that.
Wildfire: I can’t really think of how else to break that down.
Arsenik: Of course, you can’t.
Gao: Wǒ de yǎnjīng yīdìng shì chū shénme wèntíle, wǒ méi bànfǎ bǎ yǎnjīng cóng nǐ shēnshang yí kāi.
Kaitlyn: Yeah. That makes so much sense, Gao. And you’ve never said that to me!
Gao: Why would I say that to you? You wouldn’t understand it.
Wildfire: Hey, what’d Gao say?
Gao: A line to pick up.
Wildfire: Okay. Hey, Kaitlyn, is Arsenik your type of guy? He kind of fits your checklist.
Arsenik: Did you actually award me a compliment?
Wildfire: Or maybe I rather see you shipped off to China with them.
Kaitlyn: No, Arsenik is not my kind of guy. I do have standards you know? Don’t snort like that Gao, it’s true!
Gao: I did not say anything.
Arsenik: You are brutal, Miss Kaitlyn. But every lady is entitled to her opinion. However, I do apologize if I’ve left you an ill-mannered impression of me. I wouldn’t be able to call myself a gentleman otherwise.
Kaitlyn: Being a gentleman is overrated.
Arsenik: Ah, well, I’ll be pleased as long as Miss Ambrosia doesn’t share the same opinion.
Ambrosia: You flatter me deeply, Sir Arsenik.
Wildfire: Get a room.
Ambrosia: Sir Gao, Lady Kaitlyn, I’m very, very sorry about how this interview is coming along. Especially for you, Sir Gao.
Kaitlyn: He’s okay. I’m always the one around people I don’t understand. It’s good for him to have to be the one to suck it up.
Gao: Suck up? Like noodles or dofu?
Kaitlyn: Don’t talk, Gao.
Ambrosia: Oh, how terribly remiss of me! I should have offered you both some refreshments. Would either of you care for a drink or a bite to eat?
Wildfire: We’re never getting out of here.
Gao: Yes. I want food.
Kaitlyn: Don’t worry if he comes off really rude. People are like that where he’s from. The concept of politeness is still so confusing for him.
Gao: … I am polite.
Kaitlyn: In your own way, I’m sure you think you are.
Ambrosia: I hold nothing against his manners whatsoever. It’s easy to take a shine to him.
Wildfire: It’s easy for you to take a shine to anyone.
Ambrosia: Please excuse me while I fetch you both something nice.
Arsenik: I’ll accompany you, Miss Ambrosia.
Wildfire: Of course you will.
TO BE CONTINUED…
To keep track of updates, like Dreamgazer on Facebook.
On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…
2 from Chinaland